Be Patient and Wait.

Sometimes life just gets to be a little too much. And it seems like this realization hits all at one time. It’s funny because this happens usually when you feel like you are doing pretty well too, like maybe, just maybe you’ve found the right path. The realization is: you aren’t exactly where you thought you were. For me, tonight was the night where a lot of held in emotions broke the flood gates. A completely necessary step in growing closer with Jesus, in my opinion.

I’m a naturally emotional person in basically any stage of life. No, seriously. Ask anyone of my friends and they will give you an emphatic yes. I cry over a cute pup I saw walking down the street, or a sappy romance movie where the guy gets the girl, in a well written novel or in a silly fan fiction written because someone was bored. Reading is my escape and I tend to get too attached to the characters and I feel like I’m in books when I read them. So what do I do when they are over? Cry, naturally.

Anyway, life has been a struggle this past month. My family had to put down my dog, my sweet Ashby girl, because it was just time. I’ve had her since I was 6 years old, I am almost 20 so that is a really long time for a dog to live. Life is not even close to how it was before she left us, she went so many places with me. I need another dog in my life stat! Between losing her and struggling to find my way in life all the while I’m chasing after God, I feel like I’m running in place most days.

Let me tell you why. I have decided I want to be a high school English/Literature teacher. Hopefully I will have the opportunity to teach in a different country. And if it is in God’s plan He will take me back to Rwanda to teach, but who knows. Life is a fun adventure. Since I decided to change my major one more time, I’ve felt at peace. Kind of. I would love to do more missions work over seas, go to bible college in another country, or just stay put and stick the next year out and get my Associates in Art knocked out. My poor brain is moving a million miles an hour at all seconds of the day.

I’ve been emotional over all of these things for a little while now just because I really am ready for a change in life. I also feel content because I have slowly come around to the idea of finishing my associates at home (my parents were rooting so hard for this decision, let me tell you) and then going to a college out of state for a new experience and maybe new opportunities.

In this time in my life, even if I feel like I’m running and getting nowhere, I am crying out to God and not hearing anything back, strangely I feel at peace in it all. It is 100% okay to be vulnerable because Jesus will sit with you in your sadness and He will dance with you in your happiness.
I have been in this season of life of waiting. It has been such a long season but I am so eager for the next thing God has ready to throw me.

While writing this, “be patient and wait” is all that keeps coming to mind. I typed it into google and Psalm 27:14 came up. The verse says, “ Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

So for now, I will snuggle up with a cup of tea, my bible and journal and continue to wait on the Lord.

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Searching, and Searching…

When you’re little, you have an idea in your head on what you want to be. Some kids want to be astronauts, some want to be doctors, some want to be veterinarians. Well for me, I wanted to be a midwife. I loved the idea of delivering babies and I always thought it was a beautiful process of bringing a new life into this crazy, ugly world.

Not anymore. I decided I wanted to be a journalist because I love to write. I have always loved English and studying literature and writing papers (I know. Who actually says that?!). It was always my “thing” in school. So I thought maybe majoring in journalism would pull my love for English and literature and writing fun articles and stories, together. Boy was I wrong, but also right. My heart just wasn’t there where it should have been.

I’m sitting on my bedroom floor with a mind that won’t stop going in circles, on the edge of having an emotional breakdown. I no longer know what I want to do with my life. Ever since returning from Africa, I have had this burning desire to do more work for God and travel the world. I just want to learn more about God and all the beautiful people and cultures He has created.

I’m conflicted between going to a bible college in England, France or Italy, or staying here to study becoming an English teacher. That is going to be a lot of school and student loans. Or maybe I want to work with an organization like YWAM. Who actually knows.

These are the thoughts that have been running through my head so much recently. I cannot figure out what I want to do. All I know is that I love people, English, God and traveling. I never thought I would want to be a teacher, but I really do. I am just so tired of Colorado, I need to get out. But the money side of things really scares me because you need money to get places and to survive.

I am ready for something new. I am ready for a major change in my life. I am terrified, emotional, sad, but also hopeful and joyful about where I am sitting in life right now. I feel lost and stuck, but I know it is for a season. In this season, I cannot lose sight of leaning on God and turning all my struggles to Him. I know He will guide me to where He wants me to be. But all in His time. That is hard for me, those who know me know I am not a patient person.

This morning, I have been thinking (shocker), and talking to two very important people in my life and my friend sent me this verse, “Dear brothers and sisters, when trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything” James 1:2-4. I do not think anything has ever spoke to me as much as this verse did this morning.

All this to say, turn to God. He has the blueprints to your life and He will never leave you or forsake you. His love for us is unending and never failing. If we turn our eyes to Him and give Him all our struggles and trust, we will be rewarded in ways we never dreamed of. I should know that, He took me to Africa when my doubts seemed to be unending.

Thanks for listening friends. I apologize that it has been so long, I miss this… Much love Xxx

Live!

Have you noticed the impact social media has on our lives? It tells us how to dress, how to act, what our makeup should look like, how we should be doing at our current age… the list goes on. In my sociology class the other day, we watched a little bit of a film called Generation Like that PBS put on. It really got me thinking about how much we pay attention to likes, followers, shares, retweets. You name it, we care about it!

As much as we do not want to care about likes and whatever, we do. It is there in the back of our mind, and there might be a little bit of disappointment when you open your insta app to see only this many likes compared to what your past post got. Trust me, I know.

I’m guilty of this too guys, I’m not being judgmental in any way at all. In fact, I am sympathizing with you in this struggle. This film just got me thinking so much on how much time we spend on our phones and computers, disconnected from our friends and family plus many other things. I live in Colorado and it is such a beautiful state, even after 19 years of living here I am still not tired of it. The snow on the other hand, well thats a different story haha.

There is so much to do outdoors here, but often I find myself staying inside because I’d rather sit around and watch show after show or check my Facebook or instagram multiple times in ten minutes, but be real, nothing changes that fast. Social media has changed me as a person, I know it has. I’m not saying that I am terrible and lazy and whatever else all because of it, but I do know that it does not help my insecurities, my motivation and ultimately how I live my life.

Many of those who know me personally know that my faith and my walk with Jesus is so so important to me. I hate to say it but checking my snapchat is more appealing to me than getting in the word and reading what God has for me that day. I hate it. It is so hard to wake up and say “today, I choose to invest in those around me, read my bible (or even a book if you would rather not read the bible) and really just experience life in a new way, even if my schedule is close to regular today.”

I encourage you to live. Appreciate the cold, white snow falling from the sky even if winter is not your favorite. Look up at the blue sky and breathe in the fresh air blowing across your face. Put down the cell phone, log out of your accounts, smile at strangers and see if they smile back, hug your sister or brother a little tighter because they will only be this age once and it goes fast. Learn to appreciate life in a new way everyday, love the little things. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. I promise. I am on this journey with you, don’t forget that.

Much love my beauties Xxx

And The Dice Roll Anyway 

Guys! It’s been a long time but I have a lot running through my mind. Good things coming soon! But for now, here is a poem I wrote that got accepted to be published at my community college. Hope you love it 🙂

The trees groan,
as the wind breaks across their base.
With branches high toward heaven,
the trees give glory to the Creator.
The flowers sings a song of summer,
as each one is a different color.
Each playing a part in the beautiful scene,
of the forest of life.
I hear the creek yelling, 
as it passes by, slamming in to the rocks in its path.
It’s so blue, like the sky on a cloudless day,
making life seem like a unending dream.
The dice role and everything changes. 
the beautiful trees no longer groan, 
They scream in pain.
As the fire climbs toward their branches, 
still giving all the glory to the Creator.
The flowers are no longer.
all that remains are ashes, 
of what used to be summer colors, 
and the songs they sang.
But the creek, it does nothing. 
It flows like nothing bad has happened to interfere, 
with its on going, swift, never stopping movement.
The wind is fierce as it builds the fire, taller and taller,
till it looks like it’s licking the sky in spite.
Ashes, oh ashes are everywhere. 
The once beautiful forest of life,
is gone. 
All because the dice of life rolled, 
and nothing will ever be the same. 
It just won’t.

Listen, and Get Ready.

Finding time to write has been a struggle this semester. It is no excus, I will do better in 2017. But for now, I will write. I have been finding inspiration in little things lately. The last six to eight months have been really eye opening and for reasons I cannot explain. I just know my heart is changing, I am maturing, I am ready for my next step. Some things have happened with in the past couple months that have proved to me that I am getting older (I knew I was but these things have really defined it).

I am not saying that I am completely a changed and new person. No, hear me say I still struggle with everyday life things like attitude, motivation, you name it I probably struggle with it. I have learned that it is okay to struggle. But it is how you handle that struggle that really defines the situation and how you grow as you move through it.

As an example, in November I applied to go on a mission trip to Rwanda, Africa. From the moment I heard about this trip, I was excited and wanted to go. As the submission deadline grew closer and closer, I grew more and more eager to apply. I wanted to go. But, as the date came when it would be announced who made the team, I grew anxious. Scared. I did not want to go, I was convinced I did not make the mission team. So, when I saw my name staring back at me in the email saying I made the team, I cried. Not happy tears, not sad tears. Confused, anxious tears. I did not know what to do, all I knew was I was not sure if God really was wanting me to go.

green-hills-rwanda

I sought after God for about two weeks, I was so eager to hear from Him. I prayed so much for a clear sign, a neon sign saying “Yes, go!” or “No, I have something better for you”. I was anxious, oh how I was anxious for a definite answer. One Sunday in church, I read a poem I wrote in front of everyone during service, I was nervous. But sharing my heart in poetry form did something in my heart. During worship, I remember crying and getting this overwhelming feeling in my heart. I prayed. I cried, I cried hard. I felt it. God was telling me to go.

I was in awe of the way God spoke to me, and I still am. It was an inexplainable feeling I had in my heart. I remember turning to look at my dad, tears in my eyes, “Dad. I’m being called to Rwanda.” The look on his face, I’ll never forget. So many emotions flooded his face with those few words I told him. He wrapped me in a tight, warm embrace. I knew that choosing to seek the Lord many times a day, pressing into Him for an answer would work in my favor. And it did. I am going to Rwanda!

Here I am, writing this to you, sharing this massive life altering chapter with you, my sweet readers. And it still makes me tear up knowing I have this beautiful opportunity to go and further the Kingdom of God through mission work. I am humbled God has called me on this journey. I look forward to writing more this upcoming year and sharing my heart with you all, along with the journey till I leave for Rwanda, more and more. Much love.

Xxx

Vulnerability.

First of all, I want to apologize for not posting sooner than this. To be honest, I’ve had writers block and with classes and work, I’m still struggling to find time to write. And inspiration. I’m struggling to find inspiration.

The past couple months have been really amazing, crazy, and scary all at the same time. In a couple months I will be turning 19 and part of me is so excited and the other part of me is so not excited. This year so far has been really eye opening for reasons I cannot fully explain. It has been really challenging and I have come to realize how much I need God in my life. I knew before that I needed Him, but it wasn’t until I was crumpled on the floor in a puddle of my own tears and a broken heart that I truly realized how much I need Him. How much I really wanted to live fully and whole heartedly for Him. It is a daily struggle to dive into my bible and read what it says and to make the choice to live for Him on days I feel like I’m drifting and don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Continue reading “Vulnerability.”

Finding Your Purpose

I sit and think daily, and I fight with my own demons and thoughts that want to drown me. They tell me lies I know are so untrue. But some days, you believe them no matter how hard you try to resist. But I can’t help but feel this overwhelming sense of peace in the situation and where I am in life right now. I am grateful for my life up to this point. It has not been easy, I would be lying if I said it was a cake walk.

I am grateful for the air in my lungs, the heart in my chest, the brain in my head, and the thoughts that run through it constantly. I actually feel like a webpage with a thousand tabs open all the time, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am grateful for my life journey and the adventure of finding who I am. Its like an airplane ride with many stops and each stop teaches us something whether it’s big or little.

At this point in my life, I am trying, and struggling, to find my identity and my purpose. I want to find who I am in the Lord. I know this won’t happen over night and I don’t want it to. I want to grow in the Lord and experience Him and His never-ending love on a level that I never have before. I have some amazing women and men in my life who have come along side me and helped me through tough times and because of them I learned a little bit about myself through each situation.

But it’s hard sometimes to wake up in the morning and decide to live fully and work toward finding your purpose. So many of us try to find out purpose in other things like relationships, shopping, drugs, drinking. In reality, all these things do is numb the pain. These things do not force us to be stronger, to work harder, to cry like you never have before then pick your self up and move on. They provide temporary satisfaction. Continue reading “Finding Your Purpose”