Sometimes life just gets to be a little too much. And it seems like this realization hits all at one time. It’s funny because this happens usually when you feel like you are doing pretty well too, like maybe, just maybe you’ve found the right path. The realization is: you aren’t exactly where you thought you were. For me, tonight was the night where a lot of held in emotions broke the flood gates. A completely necessary step in growing closer with Jesus, in my opinion.
I’m a naturally emotional person in basically any stage of life. No, seriously. Ask anyone of my friends and they will give you an emphatic yes. I cry over a cute pup I saw walking down the street, or a sappy romance movie where the guy gets the girl, in a well written novel or in a silly fan fiction written because someone was bored. Reading is my escape and I tend to get too attached to the characters and I feel like I’m in books when I read them. So what do I do when they are over? Cry, naturally.
Anyway, life has been a struggle this past month. My family had to put down my dog, my sweet Ashby girl, because it was just time. I’ve had her since I was 6 years old, I am almost 20 so that is a really long time for a dog to live. Life is not even close to how it was before she left us, she went so many places with me. I need another dog in my life stat! Between losing her and struggling to find my way in life all the while I’m chasing after God, I feel like I’m running in place most days.
Let me tell you why. I have decided I want to be a high school English/Literature teacher. Hopefully I will have the opportunity to teach in a different country. And if it is in God’s plan He will take me back to Rwanda to teach, but who knows. Life is a fun adventure. Since I decided to change my major one more time, I’ve felt at peace. Kind of. I would love to do more missions work over seas, go to bible college in another country, or just stay put and stick the next year out and get my Associates in Art knocked out. My poor brain is moving a million miles an hour at all seconds of the day.
I’ve been emotional over all of these things for a little while now just because I really am ready for a change in life. I also feel content because I have slowly come around to the idea of finishing my associates at home (my parents were rooting so hard for this decision, let me tell you) and then going to a college out of state for a new experience and maybe new opportunities.
In this time in my life, even if I feel like I’m running and getting nowhere, I am crying out to God and not hearing anything back, strangely I feel at peace in it all. It is 100% okay to be vulnerable because Jesus will sit with you in your sadness and He will dance with you in your happiness.
I have been in this season of life of waiting. It has been such a long season but I am so eager for the next thing God has ready to throw me.
While writing this, “be patient and wait” is all that keeps coming to mind. I typed it into google and Psalm 27:14 came up. The verse says, “ Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
So for now, I will snuggle up with a cup of tea, my bible and journal and continue to wait on the Lord.